Feeling Like a Really Bad Mom

I have been thinking long and hard about if/how to share this. But I'm going to do it, because I believe that vulnerability can lead to healing. 

The Story.

Let's start at the beginning... it was a beautiful fall afternoon. I picked up my kiddos from their school and we headed to the park. It's the park that's just around the corner from our house and one that we go to often to burn off some toddler energy. 

My oldest, Lulu, has her favorite spots in this park--primarily the swings and springy ducky. After that, she'll explore the playground structure, but she's fairly timid about it. One day when we first went to the playground she went down the large slide, but since then she hasn't seem interested. 

Long story short, I haven't thought much of this slide except I knew that my kiddo wasn't into it. I've seen a few kids go down the large slide and there's a weird turn at the bottom that has a tendency to catch a shoe and bring them to a jerky halt. 

So on this particular day, I decided that maybe I'd try to persuade her to try it again. I started by going down the slide myself, she watched me and laughed and said, "Mommy, go again!" So I did, and this time at the top of the slide I said "Lulu, you should come with me! And she said, "Okay!" and climbed up the jungle gym to join me. She sat on my lap and off we pushed, and as we came to that same curve I've seen countless kids get their feet caught on... in the blink of an eye, Lulu's shoe hit the side and her leg twisted under her little body, wedged between her and me...

She immediately cried out in pain. I wasn't sure if it was just a rolled ankle or something more serious, but my mommy instincts said to take her to the hospital. And low and behold, after several hours at urgent care and many x-rays, tears and lollipops later...we learned that sweet little Lulu had a spiral tibial fracture and would be in a full leg cast for 4-6 weeks. 

So of course, as if there isn't enough mom guilt in this world... I'm over here feeling completely responsible for my daughter's broken leg. We've seen quite a few doctors over the last week and everyone one of them asks how it happens, we tell them it happened on a slide and then before I can get out the next sentence, they say "on someone's lap." Just like that, a statement, not a question.

Apparently this is one of the most common injuries for kids that are 1-2 years old. In fact, they call this break the "toddler fracture" and it most frequently occurs from kids going down slides on a parent's lap. Kids can go down slides alone and if their shoes/legs catch, their own body weight isn't enough to cause them serious injury in most cases. But when you put the force of a 100+ pound adult behind the foot catch, it's too much for their little bones to bear. 

Why is this not a more known thing? Is it, and I'm just the only one that didn't know?!? Shouldn't this be just one of the many parenting no-no's that you hear about...like never put blankets in the crib, never let a baby sleep on his/her stomach, never let babies play with things that fit through a toilet paper roll (choking hazards).

Lessons Learned. 

Long story short, don't put kids on your lap to go down slides. Tell your friends. Tell everyone. 

The first week with the cast on was tough...I'm not going to lie. Tough for Lulu who was suddenly stripped of her independence. Tough for us to watch her get frustrated and have no way to release her energy but to just scream. Tough to not dwell on the guilt and the "what ifs." 

Thank God for my parents who were so incredibly helpful, either watching the baby or staying unbelievably patient with Lu. 

There are a couple of things that Lulu has taught me this past week...

1) Kids are incredibly resilient. Within a couple of days Lulu was finding ways to get around. She started crawling and scooting around, and then started trying to lift herself up to standing positing by leaning on furniture and now, she'll stand straight up without even holding onto anything. 

2) Children have no sense of feeling sorry for themselves. If I had broken my leg, there's no doubt I'd be having a freaking pity party for myself for weeks straight. Lulu on the other hand doesn't know what it means to feel sorry for herself. Does she get mad that she can't do what she wants to do, exactly when she wants to do it? Yes. But she was like that before the broken leg.

We're counting down the days until Dec 7 (cast removal day). It's going to be a long few weeks to get there, but we will make it through and I'm excited for her to be cast-free for Christmas. 

I'm going to follow up this post with another one that's more focused around how to survive a two-year-old with a broken leg and all of the things you need to buy/have. But I didn't want to post that first without explaining the full story.

Pray for us. Lulu was a tough toddler before the broken leg...but now she's really giving us hell! 

Nursery #2

Our second baby (yup, we had a second baby) is experiencing the joy that is being a second child. Which means that her nursery wasn't complete until she was about two months old. I started prepping the room before we knew that our she was a she, so I wanted to keep it neutral--but also a little fun. I wanted it to feel adventurous/global, but since the room also doubles as storage for my own clothes, I didn't want it to be too babyish. 

So here's where we landed. The finishing touch on the room was when I ordered the huge print of Tajiri, the beautiful giraffe baby that was born to April the Giraffe back in mid-April. Many of my friends and co-workers are aware that I was glued to the live cam of April and felt a special bond with that giraffe as I approached the end of my second pregnancy. It was only natural that I received a bunch of giraffe-themed gifts when Cori was finally here. Check out more photos from the nursery below. 

The baby's "new" room

You might remember the nursery reveal from earlier this year. Well, about three months after the baby was born, we bought a new house! Unfortunately, that meant that she spent very little time in her nursery space in our former house (she basically took like one nap in that room.) However, in the new house, she received a serious upgrade in space and I'm so excited to reveal her new-ish room! I think this room is one of my favorites in the whole house. It gets great light all day long and it is spacious and airy. I loved the color that the former owners had painted the room, so we kept it and it totally worked with all of our existing furniture. 

This is pretty much the one room in our new house that is "finished" for all intents and purposes. All of the other rooms are sort of a slow evolution and need a few pieces of furniture or a project or two. I'll be sure to provide updates as we actually get the other rooms throughout the house more finished. Check out more photos of the baby's room below. 

Toes in the water, ass in the sand...

We spent a long weekend in Cape May earlier this month and Lulu got to experience her first time on the beach. While she seemed to enjoy the sand and breeze, she was not a fan of the ocean water. I had some major concerns about bringing a 5-month-old to the beach because of the sheer amount of "stuff" needed, but we purchased this sun shade tent thing, and that was a breeze to set up and take down, and mostly Lu just chilled out under it and took some naps and woke up to eat from time to time. In August, we're heading back to Cape May again with my parents, which will be fun! I'm hoping Lu is more open to dipping her feet in the water next time. Check out more photos from our trip below. 

Parenting Fails

I try to be authentic on here. If this blog is nothing more than that, it is at the very least honest. With that being said, the ugly stuff in life sometimes isn't as fun to share. I read blogs and I see beautiful tablescapes (that's when a dining room table looks more like Martha Stewart pooped out rainbows and butterflies on it and less like a place you actually sit to have a meal.) I see perfectly styled outfits, food photos that looks so delicious you want to lick your screen, scantily clad ladies giving workout tips, and adorable little rosey-cheeked babies in adorable bows smiling and laughing for their semi-annual photo shoots. But sometimes all of that happiness and perfection makes me feel kind of lousy about myself. It makes me think that there are women out there holding it all together, looking fabulous, kicking ass at work, cooking gourmet meals at night, working out daily, and handling parenthood with the patience and grace of the pope. 

You know what? They're not doing that, and neither am I. 

If this blog, or anything I do in my life leads you to believe that my life is not a chaotic clusterf*ck of just trying to get through each moment of each day, then I apologize. Sometimes I make dinner and sometimes I don't. Sometimes I have time to bake a cake but most of the time I don't. Sometimes I put together something that resembles a cute outfit, but most of the time I'm just trying to find a shirt to wear that doesn't have spit-up on it. 

My point is, it's messy up in here and if anyone tells you they don't have a messy life, they are lying to your face (or they deserve to be punched in theirs.)

So without further ado, and because I will NEVER claim to be a perfect mother, I'm sharing some of my most recent parenting fails.

1. Luisa went through a full week of daycare before we realized that we had never paid them for it. #parentingfail

2. I've dropped my cell phone on my baby's head... twice. That's how I learned what her "pain cry" sounds like. #parentingfail

3. One day I took the baby to daycare, dropped her off, drove halfway to my destination and received a call that I left her with no bottles for the day... #parentingfail

4. I've forgotten to change my baby's diaper during the day, I'm not going to share how long she went without being changed, because it's embarrassing, but it's also kind of her own fault. If she had cried or indicated that she was uncomfortable in some way, I obviously would have come to the rescue with a fresh diaper. #parentingfail

5. I have taken my baby to a few not-so-baby-appropriate places like to a movie theater to see Jurassic World and bars #parentingfail or #parentingwin? #youbethejudge

Tell me about your parenting fails!!! I seriously want to hear them, a) because it will make me feel better about myself and b) because they will make me laugh. 

You might also be interested in: 

• It's not all perfect, in fact, it's not even close
• Why women can't have it all
• True confession: I cried at the gym

Family photo shoot

Meet my happy baby. She has quite the personality these days. You'll most likely find her growling when she's hungry, babbling or squealing when she's all excited about nothing, or trying to lick everything she can get her chubby little hands on. We put Lulu in her Sunday best and took her to the backyard for a quick photo shoot this past weekend. Of course, halfway through the photo shoot she decided that was the perfect time to spit up all over her top, pants, and mommy's pants as well, but we went with it and still were able to get some good family pics! Check out more photos below: 

10 Tips for Flying With an Infant

We did it. We took our three-month-old baby on a plane and survived. I was all stressed out the week leading up to this flight only because I didn't know what to expect, I didn't know what we'd need, and I didn't know if the TSA folks were going to give us a hard time. But all of that worry was pointless because our trip was one of the most uneventful flying experience of my life and everyone was incredibly kind and helpful (except one impatient fellow passenger in the security line.) But, I learned a few things along the way and figured I should share the wisdom:

A mystical nature walk

When I heard that it was going to hit 65 degrees yesterday, I just knew that the little one and I had to get out for a walk. We headed to Forbidden Drive (love the name) and took a walk along the trails of the Wissahickon Valley Park. It was quite foggy when we arrived, and I have to admit it was a little eerie. I even phoned my husband to tell him where I was because I just got the feeling that this could be the scene of a great murder mystery. Fortunately, our walk was uneventful. I didn't bring my nice camera because, you know, with a baby strapped to you, you just want to stay as hands-free as possible. But, I was able to snap some pretty photos with my phone's camera. Check out more photos from our nature walk below. 

Luisa's first photo shoot

I've been meaning to test out my photography skills with Little Miss Luisa as my subject but hadn't found the time until yesterday. The sun was shining, the baby was sleeping, all systems GO! But unfortunately, my model decided that she was no longer sleepy the moment I started to snap photos of her, so, we got a lot of awake and alert photos instead of the more traditional peaceful sleeping baby shots. I still love how bright and sun-filled the images came out and they capture her personality, crazy eyes, and itsy bitsy body parts perfectly. See more photos from Luisa's first photo shoot below. 

The birth story

So, I'm going to do my best to spare you all of the gory details, but I did want to get this down on paper (err...screen) so that I remember it myself. One of the most magical things about child birth is that we're scientifically wired to forget it... therefore ensuring that the human race goes on! Because otherwise, no one would sign up for that crap willingly again.

Just kidding! I was very blessed with a fast and relatively easy experience with my first baby, and no matter how difficult it could have been, I got the best present ever at the end of it all. My little Luisa Rose, Lulu, Bugsy, Lulu Bug, and all the other nicknames we're working on giving her, is the most perfect little baby in the whole wide world and I would go through hell and back to bring her into the world again. Read the brief birth story below.

Before Baby - An Open Letter to My Husband

In the interest of full disclosure, I obtained Bry's permission to share this with you first so technically it wasn't written with the intention of being an open letter. I was feeling a little lot emotional this morning and had to get a few things off my chest...

Before Baby - An Open Letter to My Husband 

Before our lives change so completely that we quickly forget what they used to look like, I wanted to share a few things with you:

Number one. I love you.
I love you so incredibly much that those three words don't even seem to do it justice. I love you so much that I'm sobbing uncontrollably while typing this because a) pregnancy hormones and b) I'm so overcome and grateful that I found you -- that the universe and God so divinely made our paths cross so that we could go through this journey together. I wouldn't want to and can't imagine doing it with anyone else. Thank you for being my person. Thank you for being exactly the one that I was supposed to fall in love with.

Number two. I'm scared. 
But not in the way that you might think. I'm scared in the way that I'm grieving "us" -- the couple that we used to be, before we've even morphed into the new "us." The parent version of "us." Don't get me wrong. We're totally going to kill the parent game. We've already made our pact to not fall into the oh-so-common trap of "we are parents now, we can't do that fun stuff anymore." That's BS, we can do whatever the hell we want, we're grown adults. It's just that as previously mentioned, you're my buddy, my roll dog, my ride or die, my drinking pal, my dancing partner. You're the person that I can just exchange a glace with at a party when someone is being annoying/weird/obnoxious and you'll just nod and smirk and I know that you're thinking and feeling the exact same thing at the the exact same moment. And I don't want that to ever go away. Let's make sure that never goes away.

Number three. I'm so excited. 
I know that you're nervous about the details of parenting -- how to hold a baby, how to change a diaper. Don't worry. You're more than capable and there's going to be a very short learning curve for you there, I can promise you that. What I'm so looking forward to is seeing you as a dad. Seeing you tell your ridiculous made-up stories to our child, seeing you teach him/her how to throw a football, making him/her laugh uncontrollably at your goofy voices (like you often make me do.) You see, even though you've had your doubts about being ready for children, it's been so obvious to me that you were meant to do this. You're a protector. A doer. A worrier. An entertainer. Don't you see that all of those qualities are exactly the same things that make someone a great parent and father? I've seen it all along. 

Number four. Thank you. 
I don't say it enough. Thank you for everything that you do for me, for my family, for our well-being. Thank you for working so hard so that we can have the home and life that we do. Thank you for always taking the initiative to get shit done -- especially when I'm being lazy or forgetful. Thank you for handling so much of the minutiae (the customer service calls, the bills, etc.) Thank you for being an amazing friend and husband and thank you for putting up with my mess (both literally and figuratively.) Thank you for pushing me to be a better person every day. In just about a week, we will have been "officially" a couple for eight years. Eight freaking years!? And while there have been so many ups and downs in all of that time, I would not change a thing. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you for all of that. 

So, sometime in the very near future -- it could be a day from now, it could be weeks from now -- things are going to be a little different for us. I'm going to be a hormonal mess (more so than usual,) we're going to be a little sleep-deprived, we're going to have moments of frustration, and moments of pure blissful happiness. But please, always remember that I am so in love with you. That "we" are still "us." That together we can handle ANYTHING. And that everyday I thank God for you. 

I love you and don't know what I would do without you. 

---- 

And in classic BryGuy fashion, this is the response back that I received complete with a gif. LOL

"That's amazing. Let's have this baby. That was better than any pre-game or half-time locker room speech I have ever heard. I am ready to run through a wall. I love you! LET'S GO!"

The nursery reveal!

It's finally here! I've received so many questions about the nursery, so I'm excited to finally share it with you! I stayed pretty true to my original nursery inspiration post, and I'm so thrilled with how this little room turned out. Sometimes, on my way down the hall to the bathroom I'll just stop, and flick on the nursery light and take it all in. I can't believe this room will belong to a miniature little person soon. It is my hope that this room will make him or her feel happy, loved, and safe. As you might recall, this room was previously my dressing room (aka my happy place.) So, I begrudgingly moved my belongings out, and moved in a crib and glider and a thousand outfits that are so tiny it's unimaginable that they fit on an actual human being. Check out more photos and links for items below.

DIY Pom Pom Baby Mobile

As you may recall from my nursery inspiration post a while back, there was a mobile on there that looked very similar to the one pictured above. Well the thing about that mobile is that it cost $160 dollars!? For that price, I expect it to not only entertain my infant for hours at a time, but to also feed and diaper the baby as well... But honestly, there are thousands of mobiles out there, surely I'd be able to find something I like for a more reasonable price. The thing is, I just couldn't get the stinking pom pom mobile out of my head. It was perfect -- the gender neutral colors, the softness, the playfulness --I had to have it. 

So, I channeled my inner Martha Stewart and took to the internet to order my supplies and watch tutorials on making your own pom poms. For under $40, I was able to create a close-enough version that I'm really happy with and I'm sure Baby W will love it too! Get full instructions and details below.  

Guest Post: 10 Tips for Survival (When Living With a Pregnant Woman)

It's time for another guest post friends! BryGuy imparts some wisdom for expectant fathers-to-be and demonstrates his love of gifs. 

Congrats...you are the father! That beautiful woman you are so in love with is now the host of your seed and the miracle of childbirth is forthcoming. Don't panic. Be cool brotha, because it is a beautiful thing. Yeah, right! It is easy for me to say that now, but I wasn't so cool when we found out. Of course, over the last 6-7 months my tune has changed and I am pumped to meet this little human of mine.

My response went from this:

To this:
I'm the man!

With that and 28 weeks in, I would like to impart some wisdom. There are some things you should know about living with a pregnant woman, so here we go. (Note: I am writing this before the actual birth to ensure no details of the birthing process are divulged. I'll let Marissa lead that discussion)

Nursery Inspiration

Nursery Inspiration by marissasays featuring contemporary furniture

So I'm pulling together a post with a pregnancy status update, but honestly, it's still kind of boring. In the meantime, I thought I'd spice things up a bit and share a little inspiration for the nursery. While I'm crazy excited to have a little baby that I can call my very own, at the same time I am grieving because it means my dressing room will no longer be my dressing room. My bright, cheery, feminine and most importantly "mine and only mine" room will be cleared out to make room for toys and diapers and books and little miniature clothing.

Despite my mixed emotions about the room, I figured I should start planning it out. We're not finding out if Baby W is a he or she, but even if we were, I think I'd want the color scheme to be white, grey and, wood tones. Partially because the room is already painted white and the drapes are already grey and white, but also because I think it's so crisp, clean and ethereal... you know, just how I imagine parenting to be (ha!)

My white dresser that was previously in the room will stay and will house the changing pad. Unfortunately, my gallery wall will have to be relocated. The floor will get a soft new carpet and of course, we need a crib! I'm still deciding about a rocker/glider chair but think that I have space to make it work if I can find one I like that doesn't cost an obscene amount of money. Also, I have a little plan up my sleeve for some additional wall decor and a fun mobile substitution. 

What do you think? Think Baby W will enjoy it? I love the idea of a big basket to house blankets, toys, stuffed animals or just the crap that's lying around that you need to hide quickly. 

Some explaining to do

You may have seen my post yesterday, or if we're friends on social media, possibly even a little earlier. I think I owe the readers of this blog a little apology. Because I've had this big thing on my mind that I couldn't share with you all, it felt almost artificial to write about other things during this time. So, the blog took a hit in the content department. I slacked off on compiling my ten happy moments, because honestly, there's this ONE happy thing that tops them all. And also, the exhaustion, oh the exhaustion, I hardly had the energy to change out of my work clothes and into pajamas when I walk in the door after work, let alone research topics, cook, take and edit photos, and write amazing blog posts. So again, I apologize. It is my hope and commitment going forward not to let this thing take the back seat any more.

With that being said, I think I also have a few things to address. Yes, we're having a baby. Yes, that means that eventually I'll be a mother. No, that does not mean this will be a "mommy blog." This is a "lifestyle" blog. Whatever the hell that means. But to me it means that it's about MY LIFE (and style). So will I talk about things related to pregnancy and being a parent? YES, because they are parts of my life. But will I also continue to post content completely unrelated to those things? Absolutely.

Oh baby