The Night Cries

I know before baby, I said this wasn't going to turn into a mommy blog and I meant it. BUT, I'm three weeks into raising a beautiful little baby girl and that is my life right now... being a parent to a needy, helpless, little infant.

Honestly, I wish I had new recipes to share with you, or outfit inspirations, or photos of what we did last weekend around Philly. I don't have those posts because we've basically been on house arrest binge-watching Walking Dead (OMG how did I not get into this show earlier!?!), and barely finding a moment to scarf down a bowl of cereal for dinner before my child is screaming to be fed...yet again. So my apologies that this is yet another post about a baby and motherhood, I promise that at some point, I'll return to other material.

For many years I knew I wanted to be a mother. I knew that I wanted to experience the freaking wild trip that is pregnancy and bring a new life into the world. I knew that it would be hard work, but there's knowing and there's experiencing... those are two totally different things. I knew that the "baby blues" existed, but I didn't know what they entailed, and that's what this post is about, a thing in my house that we like to call "The Night Cries."

Becoming a parent for the first time is the most humbling, beautiful, terrifying, and tiring experience of my life. The amount of emotions I feel when I look at my little girl's precious face is inexplicable. But something strange happens when the sun goes down, the tears start. Happy tears, sad tears, tired tears, all of the tears and it's hard to make them stop. I talked to a friend who had experienced something similar when she had her first baby, and so I took my research to the interwebs to see if it's a common thing -- postpartum depression "at night." And you know what? There's really nothing out there about it. But I would imagine that it's not just me and this one other person that have experienced The Night Cries. So I'm airing it out. It's a thing and if it's happened to you or happens to you in the future, just know that you're not alone. 

When the sun goes down, the anxiety begins. Is she going to sleep tonight? Am I going to get any sleep tonight? I hope nothing happens to her... I know she's supposed to sleep on her back in her bassinet but what if my baby only likes to sleep on her tummy.. in. my. arms!? How am I ever going to be able to go to the grocery store/mall/etc. again with a baby in tow? How am I going to keep her safe from all the evil in this world? ... and it spirals out of control very quickly. 

Then, we get her ready for bed, and we say our I Love Yous and I feed the munchkin and I gingerly place her in her bassinet (on her back) and attempt to get a few hours of shut eye. 

Then, we wake up in the morning (usually to the sun shining through the windows) and our baby wakes up making the most adorable little faces and we just stare at her and exchange glances that say "wow, we made this." and we start a new day. And I forget about The Night Cries and their accompanying anxiety and we start a fresh day full of more binge-watching of Netflix and tummy time and feedings and diaper changes.

You might also be interested in:

• The Birth Story
• Before Baby: An Open Letter to My Husband
• The Nursery Reveal
• Guest Post: 10 Tips for Survival (When Living With a Pregnant Woman)

The birth story

So, I'm going to do my best to spare you all of the gory details, but I did want to get this down on paper (err...screen) so that I remember it myself. One of the most magical things about child birth is that we're scientifically wired to forget it... therefore ensuring that the human race goes on! Because otherwise, no one would sign up for that crap willingly again.

Just kidding! I was very blessed with a fast and relatively easy experience with my first baby, and no matter how difficult it could have been, I got the best present ever at the end of it all. My little Luisa Rose, Lulu, Bugsy, Lulu Bug, and all the other nicknames we're working on giving her, is the most perfect little baby in the whole wide world and I would go through hell and back to bring her into the world again. Read the brief birth story below.

Before Baby - An Open Letter to My Husband

In the interest of full disclosure, I obtained Bry's permission to share this with you first so technically it wasn't written with the intention of being an open letter. I was feeling a little lot emotional this morning and had to get a few things off my chest...

Before Baby - An Open Letter to My Husband 

Before our lives change so completely that we quickly forget what they used to look like, I wanted to share a few things with you:

Number one. I love you.
I love you so incredibly much that those three words don't even seem to do it justice. I love you so much that I'm sobbing uncontrollably while typing this because a) pregnancy hormones and b) I'm so overcome and grateful that I found you -- that the universe and God so divinely made our paths cross so that we could go through this journey together. I wouldn't want to and can't imagine doing it with anyone else. Thank you for being my person. Thank you for being exactly the one that I was supposed to fall in love with.

Number two. I'm scared. 
But not in the way that you might think. I'm scared in the way that I'm grieving "us" -- the couple that we used to be, before we've even morphed into the new "us." The parent version of "us." Don't get me wrong. We're totally going to kill the parent game. We've already made our pact to not fall into the oh-so-common trap of "we are parents now, we can't do that fun stuff anymore." That's BS, we can do whatever the hell we want, we're grown adults. It's just that as previously mentioned, you're my buddy, my roll dog, my ride or die, my drinking pal, my dancing partner. You're the person that I can just exchange a glace with at a party when someone is being annoying/weird/obnoxious and you'll just nod and smirk and I know that you're thinking and feeling the exact same thing at the the exact same moment. And I don't want that to ever go away. Let's make sure that never goes away.

Number three. I'm so excited. 
I know that you're nervous about the details of parenting -- how to hold a baby, how to change a diaper. Don't worry. You're more than capable and there's going to be a very short learning curve for you there, I can promise you that. What I'm so looking forward to is seeing you as a dad. Seeing you tell your ridiculous made-up stories to our child, seeing you teach him/her how to throw a football, making him/her laugh uncontrollably at your goofy voices (like you often make me do.) You see, even though you've had your doubts about being ready for children, it's been so obvious to me that you were meant to do this. You're a protector. A doer. A worrier. An entertainer. Don't you see that all of those qualities are exactly the same things that make someone a great parent and father? I've seen it all along. 

Number four. Thank you. 
I don't say it enough. Thank you for everything that you do for me, for my family, for our well-being. Thank you for working so hard so that we can have the home and life that we do. Thank you for always taking the initiative to get shit done -- especially when I'm being lazy or forgetful. Thank you for handling so much of the minutiae (the customer service calls, the bills, etc.) Thank you for being an amazing friend and husband and thank you for putting up with my mess (both literally and figuratively.) Thank you for pushing me to be a better person every day. In just about a week, we will have been "officially" a couple for eight years. Eight freaking years!? And while there have been so many ups and downs in all of that time, I would not change a thing. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you for all of that. 

So, sometime in the very near future -- it could be a day from now, it could be weeks from now -- things are going to be a little different for us. I'm going to be a hormonal mess (more so than usual,) we're going to be a little sleep-deprived, we're going to have moments of frustration, and moments of pure blissful happiness. But please, always remember that I am so in love with you. That "we" are still "us." That together we can handle ANYTHING. And that everyday I thank God for you. 

I love you and don't know what I would do without you. 

---- 

And in classic BryGuy fashion, this is the response back that I received complete with a gif. LOL

"That's amazing. Let's have this baby. That was better than any pre-game or half-time locker room speech I have ever heard. I am ready to run through a wall. I love you! LET'S GO!"

The nursery reveal!

It's finally here! I've received so many questions about the nursery, so I'm excited to finally share it with you! I stayed pretty true to my original nursery inspiration post, and I'm so thrilled with how this little room turned out. Sometimes, on my way down the hall to the bathroom I'll just stop, and flick on the nursery light and take it all in. I can't believe this room will belong to a miniature little person soon. It is my hope that this room will make him or her feel happy, loved, and safe. As you might recall, this room was previously my dressing room (aka my happy place.) So, I begrudgingly moved my belongings out, and moved in a crib and glider and a thousand outfits that are so tiny it's unimaginable that they fit on an actual human being. Check out more photos and links for items below.

One Resolution Only for 2015

Special thanks to Bailly Photography for the beautiful maternity photos! 

Happy 2015 friends! We're about seven days into a new year which means you will probably still be typing/writing the wrong date on things for a few more weeks. For the past few years, I've documented my new goals for the year on this blog (2014 goals and 2013 goals.) Some of these have been accomplished -- many have not. This year, I'm switching it up a bit. I'm going to focus on one goal and one goal only...

ENJOY EVERY MOMENT. DON'T WISH IT AWAY. 

I'm a master planner, always thinking ahead, always making lists, always anticipating the next thing to come. This year, I am going to try and suppress those planning tendencies and just stop. Breath. Take it all in. In approximately one month, I will get a new label, "mama bear." I'm excited. Terrified. Anxious. In disbelief. In awe. And so many other emotions I can't articulate.

But, I'm not naive. I'm aware that parenting comes with many many challenges. I know that infants are little crying, pooping, eating, spit-up machines and I know that I'll have sleepless nights and moments of complete emotional breakdown. BUT I also know that I'm so blessed to have been given this gift, to have been given an experience and opportunity that so many people hope and pray for. So this year, yes, I want to get back into shape asap and I have lots of other things I'd like to accomplish personally and professionally, but I'm going to keep all of those goals second to the one important one.

I'm going to soak in every "first," I'm going to take WAY too many photos, I'm going to schedule date nights with my husband and I'm going to try and stop planning and anticipating the next things that will come and appreciate exactly what is happening now.

What goal(s) do you have for 2015? 

Guest Post: 10 Tips for Survival (When Living With a Pregnant Woman)

It's time for another guest post friends! BryGuy imparts some wisdom for expectant fathers-to-be and demonstrates his love of gifs. 

Congrats...you are the father! That beautiful woman you are so in love with is now the host of your seed and the miracle of childbirth is forthcoming. Don't panic. Be cool brotha, because it is a beautiful thing. Yeah, right! It is easy for me to say that now, but I wasn't so cool when we found out. Of course, over the last 6-7 months my tune has changed and I am pumped to meet this little human of mine.

My response went from this:

To this:
I'm the man!

With that and 28 weeks in, I would like to impart some wisdom. There are some things you should know about living with a pregnant woman, so here we go. (Note: I am writing this before the actual birth to ensure no details of the birthing process are divulged. I'll let Marissa lead that discussion)

Nursery Inspiration

Nursery Inspiration by marissasays featuring contemporary furniture

So I'm pulling together a post with a pregnancy status update, but honestly, it's still kind of boring. In the meantime, I thought I'd spice things up a bit and share a little inspiration for the nursery. While I'm crazy excited to have a little baby that I can call my very own, at the same time I am grieving because it means my dressing room will no longer be my dressing room. My bright, cheery, feminine and most importantly "mine and only mine" room will be cleared out to make room for toys and diapers and books and little miniature clothing.

Despite my mixed emotions about the room, I figured I should start planning it out. We're not finding out if Baby W is a he or she, but even if we were, I think I'd want the color scheme to be white, grey and, wood tones. Partially because the room is already painted white and the drapes are already grey and white, but also because I think it's so crisp, clean and ethereal... you know, just how I imagine parenting to be (ha!)

My white dresser that was previously in the room will stay and will house the changing pad. Unfortunately, my gallery wall will have to be relocated. The floor will get a soft new carpet and of course, we need a crib! I'm still deciding about a rocker/glider chair but think that I have space to make it work if I can find one I like that doesn't cost an obscene amount of money. Also, I have a little plan up my sleeve for some additional wall decor and a fun mobile substitution. 

What do you think? Think Baby W will enjoy it? I love the idea of a big basket to house blankets, toys, stuffed animals or just the crap that's lying around that you need to hide quickly. 

Some explaining to do

You may have seen my post yesterday, or if we're friends on social media, possibly even a little earlier. I think I owe the readers of this blog a little apology. Because I've had this big thing on my mind that I couldn't share with you all, it felt almost artificial to write about other things during this time. So, the blog took a hit in the content department. I slacked off on compiling my ten happy moments, because honestly, there's this ONE happy thing that tops them all. And also, the exhaustion, oh the exhaustion, I hardly had the energy to change out of my work clothes and into pajamas when I walk in the door after work, let alone research topics, cook, take and edit photos, and write amazing blog posts. So again, I apologize. It is my hope and commitment going forward not to let this thing take the back seat any more.

With that being said, I think I also have a few things to address. Yes, we're having a baby. Yes, that means that eventually I'll be a mother. No, that does not mean this will be a "mommy blog." This is a "lifestyle" blog. Whatever the hell that means. But to me it means that it's about MY LIFE (and style). So will I talk about things related to pregnancy and being a parent? YES, because they are parts of my life. But will I also continue to post content completely unrelated to those things? Absolutely.

Oh baby