11.06.2014

Guest Post: 10 Tips for Survival (When Living With a Pregnant Woman)

It's time for another guest post friends! BryGuy imparts some wisdom for expectant fathers-to-be and demonstrates his love of gifs. 
Congrats...you are the father! That beautiful woman you are so in love with is now the host of your seed and the miracle of childbirth is forthcoming. Don't panic. Be cool brotha, because it is a beautiful thing. Yeah, right! It is easy for me to say that now, but I wasn't so cool when we found out. Of course, over the last 6-7 months my tune has changed and I am pumped to meet this little human of mine.

My response went from this:

To this:
I'm the man!
With that and 28 weeks in, I would like to impart some wisdom. There are some things you should know about living with a pregnant woman, so here we go. (Note: I am writing this before the actual birth to ensure no details of the birthing process are divulged. I'll let Marissa lead that discussion)


1. Hide the fear. When you are presented with the wonderful news, have a better reaction than what you are probably thinking. I was in a state of excited and gratitude-filled terror. In these situations, that juxtaposition can exist. My terror was clear in my response and I should have disguised it a bit. Even if you are super excited, if you turn it up to 11, I doubt she will mind and it could ease some of her nervousness as well.

2. Pretend you're a secret agent. This bit of advice is for early in the pregnancy when you don't want everyone to know. When you are at the bar and you order that Blanton's manhattan, be very discreet in ordering her the seltzer water with lime or the virgin passion fruit margarita. Some people are very nosy and when she doesn't order her usual double vodka martini, they will think, "Yup, she's pregnant!" By "some people" I mean all women. If you are seated, get up and try and get the server 1:1 to explain your situation. The last thing you want is the waiter yelling in front of your party, "virgin bloody mary for you!" And then you just end up glaring at the waitress.

3. Feed your baby by feeding your woman. Pregnant women are strange elusive creatures and like to nourish themselves with fake food. My wife has cravings for popsicles, donuts (don't we all), cereal and toast with butter. If it was up to her, this would be her dinner every night. However, the baby needs some real food - it is a little animal after all. When I feel like my wife is eating like a 12-year-old, I go for some decadent meats. I'll cook a steak, or some lamb chops or smoke a pork butt for 12 hours. I will then lazily throw some arugula on the side.

4. Go ahead, comment on her size. Every advice list out there regarding pregnant women etiquette says that you should not comment on her size. I DISAGREE! You are special because you did this to her (high five!) and you should be proud of your fertile lover walking around with a large uterus and ample breasts. While I do get mild flack when I comment on her girth, I always frame it as a compliment. I am in awe of her changing body and find it quite beautiful.

5. Do not physically limit her before she feels as such. I would say defer to her when it comes to things like working out, doing house work, driving, etc. I really think Marissa and I keeping things as normal as possible has contributed to the relatively boring pregnancy thus far. I am currently banging on the hull of the Moshulu. Boring is a good thing and I am thankful to God for it.

6. Respect her sleep. I am exactly like my father when it comes to my morning ritual. I wake up early, blare NPR and bang all the pots and pans as I make breakfast (#gainz). I have no sympathy for later risers. This has always infuriated Marissa and this fury has metamorphosed into a fire-breathing Cerberus with claws the size of a velociraptor's. I have learned my lesson and now when I wake up in the morning, I sport my night vision goggles and tip toe around the house a la Elmer Fudd.

7. Don't freak out! Sometimes doctors like to tell you scary things or drop words that will make your heart skip a beat. Then, the next appointment comes up and doc's all like, "the baby is progressing perfectly." It makes you want to slap the doctor across the temple, but have faith and follow the doctor's orders. Also, chances are she is more worried than you are since all this is happening inside of her (still crazy to me) so be that strong man your grandfather was.

8. Attend the class(es) with her. This is something both woman and partner will dread going through - the prepared childbirth class. Marissa and I just completed it and it was a long day. I think we both agree it could have been cut in half, but you must go with her. I couldn't imagine dealing with that class solo and having no one to make inappropriate jokes with. I did learn some valuable information - where to park and the closest entrance to the hospital. And yes, you will be seeing some birthing footage.

9. Allow her to fully embrace her designated driver duties. No solidarity here man. Have a good time when you are out, but when you are buying that round of Espolón shots for and your crew, remember to keep her hydrated as well. At some point in the evening, she will become annoyed as you and your friends start laughing at jokes a fully sober person cannot appreciate. At this time, dig down deep for that ounce of empathy and let her drive you home. Also, be open about omitting her from certain outings. Sometimes you go out with the intention of making tomorrow a horrible day for yourself. This occasion is rare i.e. sending your main man off to Hong Kong, but it is best for everyone if she sits this one out

10. Get excited. You are about to be a father and mold that miniature homo sapien of yours, and when asked if you are looking forward to that little bundle of joy, there is only one acceptable answer.
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Guest post written by BryGuy.

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